I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?