According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo