Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
You Might Also Like
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
#Caturday