If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am