no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.