I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
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I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink