just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*bites zombie*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.