My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.