Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
For when Tinder doesn’t work
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development