If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything