Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur