My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”