Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Otters see a butterfly.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!