Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Bit chilly again tonight.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.