Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Barbie gone wild
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
this is how life feels
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them