The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.