I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
😬
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.