me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
watergate? u mean a dam??
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.