Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.