Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Mountain Goat : )
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
when the buffet is more honest than your date
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”