Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.