police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.