Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure