1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.