Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Lmao 🤣
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
For the ones in the back.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown