cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I think the cat got the dog high.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.