You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Succinctly put.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?