Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just how popey was the pope today?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.