[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Try and stop me.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths