“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
selena gomez
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
But I really needed water water water
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.