[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
crying
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.