I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop