My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it