“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?