I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?