KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.