Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti