Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.