[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Based Erika
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.