All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
You Might Also Like
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never