Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
You Might Also Like
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My favorite farside!!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.