I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.