*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Cndnsd Mlk
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My wife gives the best headache.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”