ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
A huge thanks to the person that did this
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Extremely relatable.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison