I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube