I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
⛄️
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
This is a sub tweet
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”