me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”