Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster