Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.