I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
San Francisco has too many rules
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
All is fair in drunk and war.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.